u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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