Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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