Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
