He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
