I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
