Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
