I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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