i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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