I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize