I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
