Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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