We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
It's blow job season.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
