She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Can you bring me the toilet please
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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