I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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