Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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