I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
