Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
