Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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