theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
