Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
