well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
