nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
