I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
