My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
