Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
