Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
