I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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