Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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