about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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