Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
