Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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