Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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