Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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