What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
