"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
