Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Your cock deserves a montage
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
