I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
