If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Randomize
