I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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