So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
