I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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