walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
