My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
