Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
