I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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