well I can't set my house on fire every night
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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