I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
