Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
