Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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