I heard we made out
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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