I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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