I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
