I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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