i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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