I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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