That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
