Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
