When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
