she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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