My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it ðŸ˜
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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