What did we do last night that was yellow?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
