Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
