Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
