I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
