Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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